My father, whom I look like the most, served the military for 10 years and attended major wars. An artist who was deeply melancholic had to serve the military and the gears of war. A very emotional person who always felt his death was very near, and often wrote about this in his notes. He died and left a broken family weeping over his death to this date. After all his years of suffering and melancholy, he went back to his home country to die because of a killer dentist giving him a shot. Hepatitis C killed my father. The country that my father served stabbed him in the back with a syringe.
It was always meant for me to carry sadness around. I can always see emotions through people’s eyes and was always drawn to people that show their feelings. Many people appreciate this about me but very few people know exactly what they’re appreciating; the ability to always channel your emotions and sense others emotions. I realize I often underestimated myself from that point of view because of my undeveloped self-esteem.
Being sensitive is never looked at as a good quality when we’re talking about a man. I have to carry the burden of belonging to a gender of brutes that has the beautiful stereotype of watching sports all the time and getting drunk to forget their sorrows. And of course, scoring chicks. I can’t forget to this date, the lady that worked at the butchery who asked if I was a man because my mom expressed my hate of watching living beings getting killed.
For that matter, changing a place I lived in for 30 years was a very tough moment. For all the pain it gave me, it was the only place I lived in throughout my life. And as time passes, I feel the change ripping through my heart like a hand made of steel. I basically left 30-year-old life and I started building a new one, and I have to handle the vacant place of my life until I make a new one. So, this is what it means to become responsible!
Sleepless nights, panic attacks, anxiety and an extensive amount of melancholy. You name it. Missing the false sense of security that I had back in the place I was born, the place that killed my father. For death is the main theme in this place. No wonder all the sensitive people I know left this place or are trying to. It’s “kill or be killed” and all I want to do is live. I don’t want darkness to consume me completely. I just want to save what’s left of my sanity and build on it and lead a new life with new people and new friends. Just be myself and not care about anything but what matters to me. Keep the beautiful people I know around me in place or mind and be at peace.
I shall always remember you, father. For your pain is felt through my chest up to this date. Here is to everyone who is suffering in a similar way or differently. Cheers to my friends who think I’m alright even if they never realized why. And to all these that are always on my mind; May life be as kind to you as you are.
“The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”